Have you ever loved someone so much, or have been scared to lose their memories so much…
that you wanted everything to stay the exact same way as they left it?
This isn’t just suffering from a simple love, but it is the distinct pain from love with distance, deployment, or death. This is by far the strongest, truest, and most passionate love I have or will ever have had until the day I die. The closest experiences I’ve ever had to feeling both my heart beat so fast I stop breathing, and beat so slow I thought I was already dead. This is the kind love that has changed me for the rest of my life, and taught me the most unexpected lesson-about what I thought was love was compared to the truthful reality.
If you’ve never been through it, you could never understand what it’s like to want everything from your bed, house, heart, to your body just left there untouched. What it’s like to not just keep a piece of him or his memory, but horribly fear its loss where he once laid, where he once sat, or where he once touched.
When I realized I feared the distance part of loving him is after he left me the second time. I wanted the pillows he touched on the couch, his beers in the fridge, and his dishes in the sink to stay the same way he left them. I wanted to keep that memory still in my mind until he came back and changed it. This is when I soon realized that it was 402 miles to be where he was, and they meant nothing unless I dwelled upon them. I’d rather spend the next 5 1/2 hours driving or 1 hour flying, than doing anything else.
When I realized I feared his deployment is when he backed out, and when I felt like his distance, his deployment, or his death with my love attached to it- scared him more than me. With him I was fearless, but the hurt sinked in knowing he lacked fear without me.. What might destroy me emotionally and mentally, could possibly kill him physically -and his life was more important than my emotions, feelings, or my heart. Everything I had to give all of a sudden turned into distractions.
When I realized I feared his death is when I knew his presence in my life was crucially needed. When I realized not one human being taught me more in my entire lifespan than he did in the year that he taught me how to love or the reason I even existed. When I knew whether if he died physically or he died mentally - he meant everything to me and I would never be the same regardless. I had to protect his heart, so he could protect our entire country.
I want everything he touched to stay the way it was, look how it was, and smell exactly the way it did when he left it. I want my pillows to be indented the same way. I want the left side of my bed, that half of the blanket, and that one pillow to smell exactly the way he always does. I don’t want anyone to touch it, ruin that particular smell only he has, or ruin the last image I have of scratching his back. His skin was more tan on his shoulders. I left my lips pressed up still touching the skin on his arm, as I slowly ran my two fingers down the line of his spine and back up again, while smirking because I have his tattoos memorized. I would do anything to have that one moment right before he left back again, and I wouldn’t change the action from a single fraction of a second in it.
The only thing I could ever change about myself is to be better for him. I realized from the beginning that I could forever be faithful to him, because I’d never want to change anything else. If I don’t want my sheets, pillows, bed, or even moments to change, I would never take them back for anything. Most importantly, I want him to come back to my body as he left it. This is the best detailed explanation I could ever give to anyone who doubts my personal capability of being faithful.
Just like pain, fear, protection, and passion..
Trust and fidelity too, come natural within love that is real.